Ahhhhh jealousy. One of my favorite subjects. For a really long time jealousy and I were enemies. Today we dance in the fire and are as intimate as sunrise rising from the earth peeking through to say good morning.
Here’s what I want to say:
When some people mention jealousy for the first time in their speech, I feel a slight prick in my body. The prick, almost always, is a reaction to the charge they have behind the word and what it means to them.
I understand that for some the word means insecurity. I had the same definition of it before. It’s funny how sometimes we feel like we’ve made a lot of progress in that area when, in fact, we haven’t really made much progress at all.
You see, for me, the word no longer causes charge or aversion to me. I invite it in. I choose, very deliberately, to say it out loud as part of who I am. It doesn’t turn me off, it turns me on! I use it as fuel. It has helped birth a book(s), blog posts, and many of my poems. On the physical realm, it helps me meditate, do breath of fire, run, yoga, have intensely electric sex. It is a feeling of which I am not ashamed. I am grateful that it has been the catalyst for many of my climaxes–sexual or otherwise.
The reason it is a turn off for some and a feeling that needs to be eradicated from life, is because sometimes it triggers one of our many great aversions. We have learned that jealousy isn’t a positive feeling. Quite the contrary, it is a source of pain and that is why we reject the thought of it coming into our lives.
The good news is that there are three ways that we can shift the emotion to work for us instead of against us, and I invite you to alchemize the negative energy behind the word and use the positive aspect of it to fuel the goals you have in your life.
- Invite jealousy into your life: I would actually suggest you do the opposite of what we think and invite jealousy INTO our lives instead of run away from it and letting it catch up with us anyway. It is a complete waste of time. We’re going to feel it eventually, we may as well feel it now and get it done and over with. We need to watch for instances where we become jealous and acknowledge the experience. This will fuel our emotional expansion.
- Play with jealousy: Let us all be jealous, feel the pain, name it, and then do something with it. It won’t be until we accept the fact that jealousy is a normal, natural, very powerful human emotion and learn how to live with it, that we will be able to alchemize the insecurity we feel when the emotion arises. Feeling jealous that our partner is watching another too closely? State it as a fact: “Babe, I’m actually feeling a little jealous that you are watching X person so closely. Do you want to go and talk to them?” Should our partner agree, we need to feel the emotions that come up and express them thoroughly. This will fuel our intimacy. We then keep adding steps until we’ve hit our threshold. Sometimes, the fantasy of losing someone is much bigger than the reality.
- Accept that it is part of you: What we have an aversion to, doesn’t have anything to do with the person triggering the emotion, it has to do with us. We often demonize what we don’t accept. All emotions have a shadow side. We cannot have love without acknowledging that there is hate right on the other side. There is always a creative and a destructive side and it is up to us to choose which side we want to stay on. Accepting that we are in the shadow is a valuable, educational, loving way to permit our authentic self to come forth. This will fuel our courage to be all of who we are.
If we can choose to experience jealousy as an emotion that is only negative, then we will probably choose to avoid it. If we choose to experience the light side of jealousy, then we can use it to reclaim all those aspects of ourselves that often remain hidden. Jealousy is a powerful emotion. What if we cultivated it for good? What if we chose to use it to create? Well then, imagine the possibilities!